| help. |
[May. 15th, 2004|09:12 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  contemplative | ] |
All the culture trapped in a fingernail file
Laid out on display
One splatter painted lines down the road
Swerving around bugs, not caring to mimic
Liquid patterns demonstrated
Hanging dents upon jackets of flak
Riders on the storm, riders on the run
Lights steal from the waves of heat
Energy to alert prey positioned on talons
Of fifty-five-shattering speeds
Border-walking above the city
Smacking down from seven stories
Through the roof of customs
Drag the church to the middle
Where the bowl evens out
Buzzards throw darts
Snow looks down and spits
On identical sand
Cousins from bitter corners
With a petty bone to pick above the others
Scattered about the timeless floor
One day this Jeffery-shaped wound on my heart will be a scar. If I keep picking at it, it will never heal--isn't that what they say? I know, but the compulsion remains. It's over, we both know. I let him go, and he let me go. And yet still we collide like thunderclouds.
An eternity can be made from just-one-more-times. |
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| hey, ho! lets go. |
[May. 13th, 2004|09:09 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | yellowcard - one year six months [acoustic] | ] |
sorry i didnt talk to you today after school. i just kinda figured that if i talked to you then i'd miss you and i dont want to miss you. :(
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
my mom is awesome. |
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[May. 9th, 2004|09:19 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  quixotic | ] |
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM!
i got her some pretty carnations. i like 'em. |
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[May. 6th, 2004|09:50 pm] |
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We are a generation of people with no cause. Too comfortable in our middle class security and mediocrity, we are only involved if it is fashionable. Last year was Afghan women, who have no access to education or rights. This year, it's the Iraqui people, who have a bloody dictatoriship over their heads. Next year, who knows? All we know is that we must condemn what this government does, and yet take no action whatsoever. We mourn the death of Iraqui children due to poisonous bomb shells, but only enough so that people view us as compassionate individuals. Heaven forbid anyone be against this country or against this government! No, no, we understand where Bush is coming from. See, to support this utopian society that is America, it is necessary to crush everything. We understand that to maintain this standard of living and these SUV's and these computers and these theme parks, we must fight a silent war. "It's a dog eat dog world out there," and the USA has decided the world to be its enemy, with no loyalties to anyone who dares question this democracy that is fueled by oil and McDonald's hamburgers. God bless America, we say. With liberty and justice for all Americans. But what about the rest of the world? |
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[Apr. 11th, 2004|07:06 pm] |
These dry sounds are going to push me off the edge.
This dryness in my mouth.
This dryness in my hands.
This dryness in my words. |
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[Apr. 9th, 2004|08:26 pm] |
i dont think i can keep doing this.
goddamnit i wish Pj was still here. |
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[Mar. 30th, 2004|08:22 pm] |
hey. you're one of my best friends.
dont block me out.
please. |
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[Mar. 23rd, 2004|03:11 pm] |
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[Mar. 21st, 2004|09:19 am] |
When things go up this fast, it is only predictable that they were collapse at twice that velocity.
I'm at the top. Ready to fall.
Some may view it as a mature apple falling to the ground.
To me, it's more like seeds thrown into an abyss.
i missed my mom when she left. but she's here now.
why do i still miss her? |
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[Mar. 10th, 2004|08:05 pm] |
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9. |
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[Mar. 4th, 2004|09:14 pm] |
never tried a noose before. hah. just kidding. |
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[Mar. 2nd, 2004|08:27 pm] |
light and magic. danced through the air in the afternoon silhouettes of leaves bursting past entangled branches. swaying in the descending breeze.
at night i lay in the darkness listening to traffic, the circumvolution of wheels on pavement. it begins to sound like a portentous wind when they're at the right distance; and there's something so heartbreakingly familiar about the noise, so easily identifiable as meshing together lost years with the present.
it's the sound of quiet waves at the beach and road trips when you were young and your neighborhood in the early morning, lives flitting past car by car, flickering like fireflies in the summer heat. and all you want is sleep to lull you back to these fond places, but you're not realizing that new landscapes are being crafted at that exact moment.
and i won't care if you don't love me.
and i won't care if you don't change.
i would live inside these shadows i cast for you
if it meant that you would stay.
i will write this down for you so you can read it.
i will hold my breath for you so i won't feel it.
you don't have to see me this way..
'cause this way i'm okay.
if they hate you.. remember, they hated me first. |
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[Mar. 2nd, 2004|08:25 pm] |
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[Feb. 29th, 2004|09:15 pm] |
mom thinks i'm not a virgin anymore, and i want to scream in her face, "WHY DO YOU THINK I AM SUCH A BAD KID"... granted, i havent exactly been the best child in the world, but i am not a slut, i'm not a junkie, and i dont swear at every pop tart that comes across my path.
why do you think i am such a horrible person? why? |
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[Feb. 28th, 2004|09:29 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  anxious | ] |
you know whats funny about this one is that i am in love, [and i love], my best friend. love is definitely rough and as far as i know, love was never easy with this kid. haha.
tomorrow is SI Awareness Day. i made t-shirt so i could wear it to school. would i get yelled at for wearing it at school?
sometimes i wonder if we were allowed to touch the sky and sun and moon and stars if we'd ever come back down. i know that if i was given the chance i would stay there and i wouldnt ever come back to earth. you could feel the rain when it first comes down, you could touch a star, see a sunrise without anything in the way, and you could see everything. it would be so beautiful.
knowing what i know now, it makes absolute sense. every damned bit of it.
i want you to notice i miss you, i miss you so.
you are everything to me. my god, i love you. |
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| kill me softly. |
[Feb. 24th, 2004|09:42 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| | suicidal | ] |
belief. trust. loyalty. anger. love. passion. energy. hate. spite. failure. time. expectancy. moderation. creativity. life. danger. revenge. sadness. emptiness. friendship. fullness. spunk. shame. denial. contentment. depression. guilt. happiness. lonliness. confusion. detatched. stoned. affable. mean. jerk. prat. resentment. courage. popularity. judging.
[Greed. Gluttony. Pride. Lust. Sloth. Envy. Wrath.]
hope. diversion. aptitude. connections. forgiveness. sexuality. regret. frustration. adrenaline. irate. uncomfortable. hurt. weird. freak. prep. skater. nerd. hot. different. ugly. unique. distraught. ambivalent. servant. strength. solitude. tired. alone.
everything i received, i earned. and i wish i had never come to this little shit hole of the world 4 years ago. then i would just be living where i used to. i wouldnt have any close friends and probably no boyfriends cause i'm not pretty enough, not funny enough, not serious enough... not good enough. nothing i ever do is right. i can prove that to you with jeff, most definitely. with holly. with my parents and my siblings. with myself. i have horrible ugly scars from cutting cause anymore i dont feel comfortable talking with anyone, and so that is my way out. i failed my grandma and i failed my mom, and most importantly, i failed myself. i dont like failure. its one of my biggest fears. failure. as soon as i decided to not care, i lost everything that was good in my life. and even though its what destroyed everything i had built up, its the only thing thats keeping me strong. pretending i dont care. the people in school think i'm just having a "quiet stage", but the honest-to-god truth is that i dont ever think this stage will end. i am just a player in a very small portion of the world, and i'd rather not grow close to the very small cast of actors i've been shown to in this little city. if i am not attatched to anyone, how can i be sad when they leave me?
everything right now scares me. i cannot tell you how much this is eating away at every sector of my mind. nothing is right, and even if i could find a way, i think it'd be impossible to reverse the damage i did to everyone and everything, including myself. i have died inside. i am mentally dead. the only good thing out of everything is that jack is back. i love how he is the only one who cares 24/7. no human being could ever care as much as he does. cause i am the only thing he knows.
i feel like ripping all my hair out and flushing it down the toilet. eat my cookies, toilet. huzzah.
Today, I sat and appreciated how I had no chance with anyone. Even though i could find someone, they wouldnt want to find me back.
Today, I sat in the cold and blocked out the world. i done good, son.
Today, I bit dirt. thats the last time you'll hit me.
Today, I sat and appreciated how one person came out and asked how I was doing. then the other one asked too.
Today, I ran out of things to say. its hard to say what you think and what you feel when no matter what you say, it wont make a difference to anyone.
Today, I fell in love with you. again.
Today, you broke my heart. i watched them flirt and be all kindergarden-crush like and i bit my lip to stop myself from crying.
Today, I cried blood for you. pins really do hurt.
Today, you hit me. i have the bruise to prove it, asshole.
Today, I left.
Today, you called and said you missed me. i lie. no one misses me. ever.
Today, I came back. the cleveland child is reborn.
Today, I saved myself. i almost let myself die alone. i never want to die alone.
Today, you died. or are you really alive behind your eyes.
Today, we held your funeral. i wish we did. then you'd know how i feel. dead inside.
Today, I missed you. but you'll never see. i will hide myself from you so you'll never know how i feel. any of you.
Thank you. The End. |
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[Feb. 22nd, 2004|11:32 am] |
damn. |
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