| kill me softly. |
[Feb. 24th, 2004|09:42 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| | suicidal | ] |
belief. trust. loyalty. anger. love. passion. energy. hate. spite. failure. time. expectancy. moderation. creativity. life. danger. revenge. sadness. emptiness. friendship. fullness. spunk. shame. denial. contentment. depression. guilt. happiness. lonliness. confusion. detatched. stoned. affable. mean. jerk. prat. resentment. courage. popularity. judging.
[Greed. Gluttony. Pride. Lust. Sloth. Envy. Wrath.]
hope. diversion. aptitude. connections. forgiveness. sexuality. regret. frustration. adrenaline. irate. uncomfortable. hurt. weird. freak. prep. skater. nerd. hot. different. ugly. unique. distraught. ambivalent. servant. strength. solitude. tired. alone.
everything i received, i earned. and i wish i had never come to this little shit hole of the world 4 years ago. then i would just be living where i used to. i wouldnt have any close friends and probably no boyfriends cause i'm not pretty enough, not funny enough, not serious enough... not good enough. nothing i ever do is right. i can prove that to you with jeff, most definitely. with holly. with my parents and my siblings. with myself. i have horrible ugly scars from cutting cause anymore i dont feel comfortable talking with anyone, and so that is my way out. i failed my grandma and i failed my mom, and most importantly, i failed myself. i dont like failure. its one of my biggest fears. failure. as soon as i decided to not care, i lost everything that was good in my life. and even though its what destroyed everything i had built up, its the only thing thats keeping me strong. pretending i dont care. the people in school think i'm just having a "quiet stage", but the honest-to-god truth is that i dont ever think this stage will end. i am just a player in a very small portion of the world, and i'd rather not grow close to the very small cast of actors i've been shown to in this little city. if i am not attatched to anyone, how can i be sad when they leave me?
everything right now scares me. i cannot tell you how much this is eating away at every sector of my mind. nothing is right, and even if i could find a way, i think it'd be impossible to reverse the damage i did to everyone and everything, including myself. i have died inside. i am mentally dead. the only good thing out of everything is that jack is back. i love how he is the only one who cares 24/7. no human being could ever care as much as he does. cause i am the only thing he knows.
i feel like ripping all my hair out and flushing it down the toilet. eat my cookies, toilet. huzzah.
Today, I sat and appreciated how I had no chance with anyone. Even though i could find someone, they wouldnt want to find me back.
Today, I sat in the cold and blocked out the world. i done good, son.
Today, I bit dirt. thats the last time you'll hit me.
Today, I sat and appreciated how one person came out and asked how I was doing. then the other one asked too.
Today, I ran out of things to say. its hard to say what you think and what you feel when no matter what you say, it wont make a difference to anyone.
Today, I fell in love with you. again.
Today, you broke my heart. i watched them flirt and be all kindergarden-crush like and i bit my lip to stop myself from crying.
Today, I cried blood for you. pins really do hurt.
Today, you hit me. i have the bruise to prove it, asshole.
Today, I left.
Today, you called and said you missed me. i lie. no one misses me. ever.
Today, I came back. the cleveland child is reborn.
Today, I saved myself. i almost let myself die alone. i never want to die alone.
Today, you died. or are you really alive behind your eyes.
Today, we held your funeral. i wish we did. then you'd know how i feel. dead inside.
Today, I missed you. but you'll never see. i will hide myself from you so you'll never know how i feel. any of you.
Thank you. The End. |
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| Comments: |
believe what i'm going to say to you or don't the choice is yours but i know how you feel. How it seems like the world continues going and your just standing by watching but not actually a part of it. but something i have learned is that things go wrong in your life and there is no way to stop them. And you can turn to things like drugs to try and forget everything which is what i did but then something will happen and change your life and most often is when you least expect it only if your to busy thinking about the wrong in you life things will pass you by. theres a quote that says when one door closes another one opens but sometimes we look so long at the closed door we don't even see the other one that opened. or it's something like that. Adam is my savor he took me away from everything that i was doing that could of destroyed my life. You are a strong person i can see it in you all you have to do is believe it is there i know that sounds stupid but it's true i'm slowly pulling myself out of depression you have to forget about the bad things and focus what could go right. Your someone i look up to your strenth to be different and to be who you want to be is something i've been stuggling with most of my life. yes some days just sux and some days seem worth dying ova but don't look at a day don't look at a week look at what could be look at when you were happy truely happy even if it was only a few days out of your life look at those and forget the rest cause it's in the past and nothing to change them. I've rambled for to long and you prolly don't care what i have to say anyways. I just thought maybe you could listen.
of course i would listen, there isnt any reason for me not to. as a matter of fact... you are probably one of the only ones in NR at this moment who think i'ma strong person. and thanks for your optimistic outlook.. perhaps if more people had some optimism, i'd be able to leech it off of them. i dont get a lot of that, so thanks. it means a lot. i will try to be strong and live up to what you see me as. i'd like to do something, knowing someone is lookign up to me for it instead of doing all the wrong things and having no one look up to me for it. i hope all goes well with you, and thank you again.
ps. who is Adam? does he go to NR? | |
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