| kill me softly. |
Feb. 24th, 2004|09:42 pm |
belief. trust. loyalty. anger. love. passion. energy. hate. spite. failure. time. expectancy. moderation. creativity. life. danger. revenge. sadness. emptiness. friendship. fullness. spunk. shame. denial. contentment. depression. guilt. happiness. lonliness. confusion. detatched. stoned. affable. mean. jerk. prat. resentment. courage. popularity. judging.
[Greed. Gluttony. Pride. Lust. Sloth. Envy. Wrath.]
hope. diversion. aptitude. connections. forgiveness. sexuality. regret. frustration. adrenaline. irate. uncomfortable. hurt. weird. freak. prep. skater. nerd. hot. different. ugly. unique. distraught. ambivalent. servant. strength. solitude. tired. alone.
everything i received, i earned. and i wish i had never come to this little shit hole of the world 4 years ago. then i would just be living where i used to. i wouldnt have any close friends and probably no boyfriends cause i'm not pretty enough, not funny enough, not serious enough... not good enough. nothing i ever do is right. i can prove that to you with jeff, most definitely. with holly. with my parents and my siblings. with myself. i have horrible ugly scars from cutting cause anymore i dont feel comfortable talking with anyone, and so that is my way out. i failed my grandma and i failed my mom, and most importantly, i failed myself. i dont like failure. its one of my biggest fears. failure. as soon as i decided to not care, i lost everything that was good in my life. and even though its what destroyed everything i had built up, its the only thing thats keeping me strong. pretending i dont care. the people in school think i'm just having a "quiet stage", but the honest-to-god truth is that i dont ever think this stage will end. i am just a player in a very small portion of the world, and i'd rather not grow close to the very small cast of actors i've been shown to in this little city. if i am not attatched to anyone, how can i be sad when they leave me?
everything right now scares me. i cannot tell you how much this is eating away at every sector of my mind. nothing is right, and even if i could find a way, i think it'd be impossible to reverse the damage i did to everyone and everything, including myself. i have died inside. i am mentally dead. the only good thing out of everything is that jack is back. i love how he is the only one who cares 24/7. no human being could ever care as much as he does. cause i am the only thing he knows.
i feel like ripping all my hair out and flushing it down the toilet. eat my cookies, toilet. huzzah.
Today, I sat and appreciated how I had no chance with anyone. Even though i could find someone, they wouldnt want to find me back.
Today, I sat in the cold and blocked out the world. i done good, son.
Today, I bit dirt. thats the last time you'll hit me.
Today, I sat and appreciated how one person came out and asked how I was doing. then the other one asked too.
Today, I ran out of things to say. its hard to say what you think and what you feel when no matter what you say, it wont make a difference to anyone.
Today, I fell in love with you. again.
Today, you broke my heart. i watched them flirt and be all kindergarden-crush like and i bit my lip to stop myself from crying.
Today, I cried blood for you. pins really do hurt.
Today, you hit me. i have the bruise to prove it, asshole.
Today, I left.
Today, you called and said you missed me. i lie. no one misses me. ever.
Today, I came back. the cleveland child is reborn.
Today, I saved myself. i almost let myself die alone. i never want to die alone.
Today, you died. or are you really alive behind your eyes.
Today, we held your funeral. i wish we did. then you'd know how i feel. dead inside.
Today, I missed you. but you'll never see. i will hide myself from you so you'll never know how i feel. any of you.
Thank you. The End. |
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