| i guess this is it guys |
[Feb. 17th, 2004|03:45 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  angry | ] |
Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)
I dont know why I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back |
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[Feb. 16th, 2004|05:54 pm] |
i am worried out of my mind.
WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!! |
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[Feb. 15th, 2004|04:55 pm] |
One of these days, I'll say to you, "have a nice life," and you'll look at me with those scared eyes and wonder if this is really the last time my face, my body, will appear in front of you.
When I'm happy, it feels so fake and wrong. But thats all i felt while i was with meg and her friends.
I'm so fucking angry right now. It's anger and tears streaming down my face in an way that no poems want to be written about it. I'm frustrated-angry. Frustrated because I can't do anything right and everything I attempt to do fucks up. I feel like such a failure. I feel stupid.
there's been a suggested divorce.
uh oh. |
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[Feb. 5th, 2004|09:18 pm] |
i dont want to be your friend anymore.
sorry. its not that you are being a bad friend, in fact, this is the best you've ever been. its just that i keep thinking about things, and you make me angry and sad and hurt and i feel like shit and...
i just cant do this anymore.
good bye. |
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| Bright Eyes |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|08:20 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  happy | ] |
i love you more than the stars that shine through my window from the velvet velour sky. i love you more than any thought of heaven on earth. i love you more than life itself. you mean the world to me. you are so amazing, so beautiful, so absolutely fabulous. you make me think that i am worth it. you act like i am the best thing thats happened to you, and i hope that maybe i really am. i love you more than i have ever loved another human being, and you mean more to me than my own self.
[you are it.]
nothing you have ever told me has made me dislike you. i have never regretted anything with you. you are all i ever wanted in someone. i believe you. i really do. and i will continue to believe you. you are everything to me. everything.
your eyes are deep pools that i want to dive into and reveal the secrets that lie within them. your hair is soft as silk. your lips are smooth and inviting and just right. your hands are just like mine. they are my favorite part of you, because our palms are alike. they have the same lifeline and the same creases and same feel to them. i love your back because it is so smooth and soft, like a new baby blanket, but its strong. your arms are so strong and protective, and it makes me happy. your cheeks are flushed and healthy and smooth. your entire body is a wonderful collection of beautiful creations, so soft and strong and safe. you are so amazing. every day i am with you and able to see you i am in awe. because you chose me. you asked me to marry you and now i have a chance to be the closest to you than i have ever been with anyone.
every day i spend with you is like the first day i ever went out with you. exciting, enthralling, and captivating my soul. it never gets boring with you. never. and i dont think it ever will.
you told me i am the only one who can have you. well the feeling is mutual, love.
i love you so much. and i cant wait to be your wife. |
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[Feb. 3rd, 2004|06:03 pm] |
i think i am beginning to understand what life is really about. its not only about high school and the people you meet in high school or the things you do now. its about love and respect and loyalty and hope and understanding different types of people.
there is so many things worth looking for, worth loving for, worth lying for, worth waiting for, worth living for, worth dying for. [dashboard]. i am beginning to understand people. take Megan Currie for one. she is a beautiful human being. you just have to understand her, try to see things from her point of view. she knows a lot and experiences a lot. i have been keeping up with her journal, and i've seemed to grow along with her by reading it. she has started to realize what life is about. and i think i have too. and that makes us a lot more alike than i thought we ever were.
there is so much worth living for, and in the end, worth dying for.
people you've met in high school may or may not stick with you, but its worth it to stick by them when you can because you can learn a lot from them and eventually, the people you have grown up with will shape who you'll be. the things you are interested in now may not be exciting to you twenty years down the road, but its worth it to try new and exciting things because it gives you a bigger sense of accomplishment. you will fall in love, and somewhere down the road you will meet the one person you were meant to spend your life with. whether it is a spouse, a relative, or just a best friend. you will have someone that cares about you. and when you find them, dont let them go, because it takes a huge war and a struggle to get them back. everything is worth it, but dont make too much of it, otherwise you lose it. you must try to understand everyone, even if you dont like them or agree with them. because when you can understand, you become wise, and a broader view of the world gives you more opportunities. trust me.
the world is so big. try not to limit yourself to the people you claim to be your best friends, because you will never experience life through someone you've always understood. try to live through someone that makes no sense to you. go out of your way to get to know someone. do whatever you can to meet new people. they all have something to teach you.
and then, once you've broadened your horizons, find something you can die for, and then people will say you've fully lived... and then you died for something great.
life is a stage. you are the actor. break a leg. |
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| forever and a day |
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|09:01 pm] |
i am engaged and its been like two and a half months [by the four week equals one month standard] since i started dating jeff for the ump-teenth time. i do love him though.
i've renovated my deadjournal and gotten rid of all my worthless entries about me bitching about my "poor, pitiful life" because contrary to what i believed, i had it pretty damned good then.
its just that now, i complain in a more mature way. haha.
( If I Were... )
i miss my friends. |
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| hello razor |
[Nov. 3rd, 2003|04:48 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I really don't know what to say. My short entries lately have been due to the lack of knowing exactly what I feel. I'm not sure what to say, because it seems like my feelings change five minutes later. It's useless. When I do know how I'm feeling, I'm too afraid to even be forward about it. I feel as if all I ever do is hurt people, and I hate it. Sometimes I think that for the past six months I have made up every feeling that I have felt. (Minus the past week or so when I discovered this)--I think they were never even there; Just something I made up in my head to seem normal. Or something I put there because it's what seemed should be there, or it's what I thought I was supposed to feel.
me - *hides her face and lays on his bare chest, crying but trying to hide it. her tears fall onto his skin.*
him - you act like i can't feel them.
fuck it.
this is just getting way too fucking hard.
was it good? was it worth breaking me? did it taste good, doll? did you forget? do you ever? |
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| to all my friends |
[Oct. 30th, 2003|06:34 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | ..:: Waiting For a Friend - Rolling Stones ::.. | ] |
"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."
- Stone Temple Pilots
"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay."
- Dave Matthews Band
"You were the one who made things different, you were the one who took me in. You were the one thing I could count on, above all, you were my friend."
- Tom Petty
"When I'm with you I feel like I could die and that would be alright, alright."
- Third Eye Blind
"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, 'til I'm going to need somebody to lean on."
- "Lean On Me"
"I think about you all the time, but I don't need to think".
- Goo goo Dolls
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
"You've got troubles, I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We'll stick together to see it through cause you've got a friend in me."
- Randy Newman
"Best friends just won't leave your side"
-Blink182
"We've gone our own ways and I know its for the best, but sometimes I wonder will I ever have a friend like you again?"
-Blink 182
"See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around."
-Dave Matthews Band
"I pull you from your tower, take away your pain, show you all the beauty you posess if you'd only let yourself believe"
-Sarah Mclachlan
"I won't be the one who's going to let you down Maybe you'll get what you want this time around The trick is to keep breathing"
-garbage
"If I had only one friend left, i'd want it to be you."
-Paul Overstreet.
Goodbye my friend
I know you're gone, you said you're gone although I can still feel ya here
Its not the end
Gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear."
- Spice Girls
"At the shrine of friendship Never say die, Let the wine of friendship never run dry."
- Les Misérables
"Ill stand by you, take me into your darkest hour, i wont let nobody hurt you, ill stand by you, and, ill never desert you"
- The Pretenders
"Every now and then we find a special friend, who never lets us down, who understands it all, reaches out each time you fall, you're the best friend that I've found."
-Jordan Hill -
"Don't want to leave, but we both know sometimes it's better to go. Somehow I know we'll meet again, not sure quite where and I don't know just when you're in my heart, so until then, smile, don't want to cry saying goodbye."
-The Muppets
"Let's make a resolution. I'll drink to that. Let's always stay friends. Friendship is thicker than blood...That depends...Depents on trust. Depends on true devotion. Depends on love. Depends on not denying emotion..."
-Rent - |
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| hello light |
[Oct. 30th, 2003|04:51 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  mischievous | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | from autumn to ashes - the fiction we live | ] |
i kicked someone today. i tripped them. so i watched my feet when i walked. thinking nothing could get me. i could feel no pain. they can never destroy me. never destroy. never destroy. destroy me. destroy me.
[but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before.]
There was once a lonely turtle. He decided to go into the woods to find another turtle to share his life. But the turtle was across a big road. Cars often whizzed by on the road, and the turtle was slow. He was afraid if he tried to cross the road he would get squashed. But he was very, very lonely, so he decided to summon all of his courage and cross the road. He got to the edge of the road and listened for cars. He heard none. He looked down both sides of the road for cars. He saw none. He sniffed the air for gasoline fumes. He smelled none. So the turtle began to cross the road. Then a car squashed him.
i feel bad for that dear turtle. |
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| the cat in the fedora |
[Oct. 29th, 2003|04:20 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | Britney Spears - Hit Me Baby [one more time] | ] |
( The Signs Of Lesbianism ) |
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| today is wonderful |
[Oct. 26th, 2003|08:08 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | simple plan - perfect | ] |
Sometimes, all I need is to be held. No words. All I need is for someone who loves me, and someone that I love as well, to hold me and just let me be comfortable in life. I just need to relax. I'm tired of being alone like this. I guess I'm tired of the silence too.
we're all trying to be pure..
but it isn't a very easy thing now, is it?
i walked home from her house. oh man did it rock. it was raining and all beautiful and dark. fucking brilliant and so incredibly moving. i got soaked and it was wonderful. the best part is… i didnt have to listen to anyone ask me “what was the matter” when i cried. it was a happy cry. all I could think about was jeff and my other friend that i care about. meaghan and mikey were having a great time. so i thought i should leave. i was out of place, so i got into my rightful place… in the rain. oh man. i wish you could have been there. [only not with me… lol. you didnt need to see me tear up..]
to everyone who is anything to me. ---
The first star I see may not be a star.
We can't do a thing but wait.
So let's wait for one more.
The time such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can loose yourself in your courage.
The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it:
"If I don't let myself by happy now then when?"
If not now when?
When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
Close my eyes and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.
jimmy eat world – “for me this is heaven”
Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come
And I can't help but feel attached
To the feelings I can't even match
With my face pressed up to the glass, wanting you
Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sky
Wonderful, it's wonderful, to know that you're just like I
And I'm sure you know me well, as I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell
Who'll you love and who you won't
And I love you, as you love me
So let the clouds roll by your face
We'll let the world spin on to another place
We'll climb the tallest tree above it all
To look down on you and me and them
And I'm sure you know me well, as I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell, who you'll love and who you won't
Don't let your life wrap up around you
Don't forget to call, whenever
I'll be here just waiting for you
I'll be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
I'll be under the stairs forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
the smashing pumpkins – “beautiful”
**to bright eyes |
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| for bright eyes. |
[Oct. 25th, 2003|03:43 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | simple plan - perfect | ] |
jeff is leaving guys.
time to say your goodbye's and give out your hugs...but dont cry because he needs to know that things will work out for him. he needs to know that things are going to be alright when he leaves, but he also needs to know that we will miss him dearly. i know i will.
Jeff will never say what he feels to everyone. BUT. i think he may start to talk to me. i have broken a barrier that i have been trying to get into since i met the kid… and now i can actually hear his thoughts. i ask him to tell me what he thinks and feels and you know, I am happy about that, cause he is starting to. i wanted him to consider me a real best friend and now I think he might. it makes me feel like he needs me.
anyways. there are a lot of song lyrics that remind me of jeff, situations with jeff, his appearance, and our “moments”, and now him leaving… looking back on them makes me smile and sometimes cry… but it’s a good thing, so…
off we go.
( songs for jeffrey )
okay okay, I guess I gotta stop now… I will post later.
“I just called to say I love you.”
And I love you Jeff… |
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| to all those surveyors |
[Oct. 20th, 2003|04:13 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | Everclear- How to win Friends and Influence People | ] |
( survey time, kids! ) |
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| i love cheese |
[Oct. 19th, 2003|08:40 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | the smashing pumpkins - today | ] |
everyone is waiting for that something they can hold on to.. and its true. those that will admit it sometimes find it. but then lose it. those that dont live in loneliness but you know they still hope for it. so either way it leaves a life full of what? despair? no i dont think i will let that take me alive. fuck it. you cant live your life drowning in discontent. its not fair. life is a privelege. its not owed to us.. we dont deserve it. and facts are NO ONE GETS OUT OF LIFE ALIVE .. so yea. there will be those nights where ill think about how i loved him. or how i miss those friends. or i want things to be better. and yes. there will be nights where i cry. but why let that get the best of you?
he lost . he missed out. forget him.. [its never been that simple.] but it doesnt have to be so hard either. ive loved. ive lost. but i have the ability to love again [and still love.. which i do] life is more. life is more. life is more. who knows what the person next to them is going through. have pride in nothing cause nothing is sacred.
and you let things go. but hold on harder to the things still in your grasp. wondering if they ever really were there in the first place. or if its just what you assumed. and i said i loved you. you said it too. now who's the liar? i would rather let myself live a life like this then let your lies tear me apart [i fear theres nothing left]. but its a gift dammit. in-escapable. i want to share it with you. thats all. let things go. life is a play of tragedies and miracles and charades. which part shall you play?
and you look at everything and greet it with one short statement
HULLO MY NAME IS DISTANCE AND I REALLY DONT CARE ANYMORE.
I fell in love
and you didnt fall anywhere |
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| letters to the great unknown |
[Oct. 18th, 2003|03:45 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | the get up kids - long goodnight | ] |
hello God. its me again. i tried talking to you last night and for the past week. i tried talking to You this morning. and i feel nothing. i hear nothing. i know nothing. i am nothing. when is this two way communication going to arise between us? when am i supposed to gain the answers i've been seeking for over 2 years. cause they sure as hell arent coming. i dont know if visisting hours are over. i dont know when You sign off of the station i've been tuned into for the past [3] weeks. send me something, God. a person. a friend. some sort of family. anything. i feel like i am ready to die. i feel alone. i feel afraid... not only for myself but for my 3 best friends as well. they arent doing well.. they know it. i know it. but no one wants to admit it. i tried talking to You about them as well. but You will have none of it. i am so alone. and they are too. its in all of our eyes. people say we are the most fucked up group. [we are]. and now we can add the title of 'most lonely' because we all have dead eyes. we are all so close, but yet all so far away. take it away God. be there for us. be there for all of us. please. and while i am asking, please take away my pain too. no one knows except through here. through this journal. and You would know too if you didnt snip the phone cord i've been ringing You up on. please. dont bail on me. everyone else already has. and i dont need You to do it too. i will pay for it. in whichever way You like. name it. i'll do it. please God. help me.
♥ Rion</font> |
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| When Is It My Turn? |
[Oct. 17th, 2003|08:13 pm] |
| [ | beautiful emotions |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | pacified notes |
| | dar williams - the beauty of the rain | ] |
i want to talk to him. i want to be there. i want to be brave and have courage. and be witty and have confidence.
i'm not cut out for this him.
but i'm still not ok.
[not one...but more. not three... but four]
clever line.
it's over it's over it's over.
but it will never be over for me. never. |
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